3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
FUCK WHALES
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
