I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
