Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
