Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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