i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
