Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
