the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
