We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
