I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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