I'm so fucking centered right now
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
