if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
this will be a night to untag.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
