Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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