The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
