i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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