Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
