I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
ok first of all what the fuck
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
