My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
