I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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