Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
