If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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