he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
