I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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