Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
