Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
