you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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