He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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