Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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