This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
