Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
