A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
