fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
