the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
