I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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