dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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