i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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