She's JV to your varsity
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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