he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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