I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
