Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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