I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
