please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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