I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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