we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
