I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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