I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
