Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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