you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
