So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
