I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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