I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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